Tasty Tuesday: OptiFast 900

Yesterday, I started the last leg of my journey to having my Gastric Bypass surgery. I have been put on a program called OptiFast. Optifast is a prescription meal replacement program where you have 4 shakes a day and drink a hefty amount of calorie free beverages. To say the least, these shakes are gross. They smell like baby formula and have the consistency of a melted milkshake. I know its only day two, so I am giving myself the benefit of the doubt, but I don't think I can drink these straight for the next 3 months. I did mix one yesterday with ice and cold coffee in the blender and it was palatable, so maybe some experimenting is in my future.

I will update you as my struggle rears on...

-Paige

Dear Me: An Open Letter to My 18 Year Old Self

When I look back at the past 8 years since I graduated high school, I have become much wiser on certain aspects of life, come into my own as a human being and developed a sense of comfort in who I have become. I thought I would write a letter to impart my little bit of knowledge and advice on my 18 year old self, in hopes that another young person will read it and learn a little something too.

We Turned One!!

Hello trusty readers!! I wanted to share some exciting news with you... My YouTube channel, Lipstick & Liquor, that I share with my bestie Laura turned one year old last week. To celebrate, we made a video reacting to our cringe-worthy first upload. It was an inebriated attempt to review the Ed Sheeran concert that we had just been to in Winnipeg.

You can watch it here:

My Perfect Problem

It has taken me a while, and many drafts to write this post. I have repressed this problem more than anything I have ever had to deal with. I am a perfectionist.

For people who know me personally, this may seem odd to you. You know that I generally have a cluttered space and that I do not enjoy cleaning, but hopefully after reading this, you will have a sense of how it is completely normal for this to go hand in hand with being perfect.

I should also state that this is absolutely not a humorous thing, I am not saying "Oh, I am so perfect and I can do no wrong." No I am legitimately dealing with this, it is a thing. I will start at the beginning.

As a child, I was always that kid who wouldn't eat if my food touched. I would always completely set up my Barbies "house" before I could play with them. I was controlling in my friendships. Most of my actions people brushed off as me being a brat, which made the way my brain processed things even worse. I thought I was disappointing people because I came off as snobby or ungrateful. This eventually developed into an inherent need to please people. I chose things based on how other people would react. I didn't do certain things in case someone else didn't find it appropriate or necessary.

Fast forward to high school. I suddenly became a person I like to call "Suzie High School". I was involved in as many activities and programs as I could. I fed off the praise and compliments that my teachers and friends gave, meanwhile my brain started to become this villain telling me I still wasn't good enough. I eventually started to only take on the minimum amount of classes and academic-oriented things I needed to graduate and dived right into clubs and committees. If I wasn't perfect at it, I quit. There wasn't then and to this day, an in between. I was and am still good at math because it has a definite answer, no grey area. Cut and dry.

The lowest low of my life came when I was 20. I had quit university, because I wasn't getting A+ marks, just B's (I know, still a good mark, but my brain can't process the logic), I received a promotion into management at the retail job I had worked at since I was 16 and thought I was on top of the world. A few months later, we got a new manager and I ended up being a casualty. Without getting into specifics, I was fired (without cause). I took this as the ultimate failure, and it was the first major failure I had ever had to process. I cried for weeks and even though I knew, for the most part, that what happened had nothing to do with me, I felt like I had disappointed my manager. He is the one who did something wrong, but I felt like I needed to apologize for it. I was unemployed for 10 months. This ended up pushing me into going back to school and now I have a diploma and a career, but it isn't that simple.

I went to business school, because someone else thought it was best. I became an accountant, because someone told me it was practical. I am still an accountant because I am good at it and can't fail. I have a messy room, because I couldn't get it to look exactly like I wanted it to, so I gave up trying at all. There is two sides to being a perfectionist; Everything has to be in a particular box, compartmentalized until you can't split it up any more, and the other side of it is only doing things you know you are good at. I mentally cannot wrap my mind around trying something new, unless I know I will succeed. When you are a perfectionist, happy medium is not in your vocabulary.

With the weight loss program I am in, they require you to see a psychologist. This ended up being a huge wakeup call for me. Within my first hour of talking with her, she had diagnosed me with perfectionism and people pleasing tendencies. She explained that even though I was a messy person, or had failed at loosing weight before, there was a reason...my brain. She has taught me coping mechanism's and I have read some books on dealing with this, but it isn't something that I will ever be cured of. It is the way I work, it is more than my nature, it is chemical, biological and that is fine. Just because I am dealing with this, does not make me less than. I have to approach things differently and make sure to have little to no expectations going into certain situations, that way, failure is not an outcome that I haven't considered and I won't be broadsided if it happens.

I wanted to talk about this because I feel like I can't be the only one who feels like this or has gone through this. I feel like this is especially prevalent in my generation. We are the in between: old enough to remember how it was, but young enough to know that society has changed drastically. The expectation to succeed and be the best is what we have come to know and we live in a culture of winning. I also wanted to say that it's ok, there is always going to be a first place and a last place, the trick is to realizing that coming in last still means you tried.

2016 Goals

This year is set to be a great one. I have already planned some exciting things with friends and family and have many things I want to do. In our last Lipstick & Liquor (my YouTube channel I share with my bestie Laura) video I discussed some goals that I wanted to achieve in 2016, I am going to add to that list and elaborate on a few here:

1. Wear lipstick more often.

This may seem trivial and weird to you, but I have reasons, so hear me out. I love makeup and I thoroughly enjoy applying it and finding fun new products. I am also not very confident with how people view others that wear a lot of makeup, especially bright or darker shades of lipstick. I want to get out of my comfort zone, hence wanting to wear lipstick more. I have so many nice, expensive ones and I only wear them in videos or when I go to fancy events. I think that I should consider everyday as a fancy occasion.

2. Find my personal style.

I am very plain when it comes to my clothing choices, you could even say safe. I sit on Pinterest and pin clothing that I love, but would never try. I have it ingrained in my head that big girls should cover up and wear what society has laid out for them, but why? I want to step out and carve a niche that is flattering and stylish. I want to invest in statement and quality, but more importantly, I want clothes to be fun and not feel like a chore any more.

3. Become a morning person.

I hate mornings. I hate waking up. I love sleep and staying up late. I think as a kid I tried to stay up as late as possible because I had major FOMO (fear of missing out), now it has caught up to me in my adult years. If you have any tips to making this happen, I am all ears.

4. Go for a walk 3 times a week.

Anyone who lives in Manitoba knows this is no easy feat in winter months. I want to become more active and start some building blocks of a different lifestyle for after my bariatric surgery, and I believe this is a great start. Eventually, I have a long-term goal of becoming a runner, but baby steps.

 5. Declutter.

I want to declutter everything. My things, my life, my desktop. I am currently reading a book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing. I haven't finished it yet, but the theory seems simple; tidy things, tidy life, tidy mind. We could all use a clear mind.

6. Read More.

I have always been a reader, but the last few years I have slacked on reading. I enjoy classics and modern tales. I have a shelf full of books just waiting to be cracked open and I plan on reading all of them this year and maybe more. I am planning on doing book reviews on here, so stay tuned for that.

7. YouTube.

I don't have a clear cut idea of how I want this new thing in my life to go. I love YouTube and editing video, creating something with one of my best friends and having something to be proud of. I want to reach people and give them something to enjoy just like I do with my favourite creators. I want to succeed and make a community of like-minded people. So that's my goal, create a community with our channel.

8. Do more things that don't cost anything.

I talked about this one in the video we made. I want to travel as much as possible, with as little funds as possible. This may seem hard, but some of my best memories of trips is doing the things that didn't cost anything. I love exploring parks, and down-town areas of cities. I enjoy driving to new places and blasting the radio as I go. I like baking and crafting. I am tired of relying on the commercial and materialistic for entertainment.

9. Feel better.

This past year, I finally sorted all my health stuff out and am now on a path to being as healthy as possible. I want to get to a point where I don't have bad days, I want to remain on an even keel and not be stunted by problems I have no control over.

10. Get out of my rut.

With all the health things that have gone on and with some less than ideal financial things, I have gotten into a rut and stayed there. I have been doing what is normal and comfortable. I don't want to be here. Revitalizing this blog and my YouTube channel are helping immensely and I have nowhere to go but up, so I am confident that this will change.

Well, that's it for this year, a little lofty maybe, but all more realistic than my usual ideas. Let me know in the comments if you have any tips on making them happen, or let me know what your goals are and maybe I can provide some advice.

Happy New Year!

I want to start off this year with a fresh new start. As you can see, I have redone the theme of my little space on the internet, and I think it is pretty special. Just looking at it makes me feel calm and reminds me of all of my favourite things.

Since my last post quite a few things have happened to me and I am going to tell you about it all over the next while, but today I want to reminisce. I was a bad blogger and neglected Just Paige the last few months and so I am going to do a Zeitgeist of my 2015.

We started off the year on pretty exciting terms. I started my new job and was given a lot more responsibility then I am used to. I think I did ok with it and eventually got used to the new changes that comes with entering a new role, and in my case, a new company. I have learned so much through this new opportunity, things I never expected to know, and I think it has changed me for the better. (que Wicked music)

I turned 25 this year and it was a bit of a shock. I don't feel a quarter of a century old and I am not sure I will ever get used to saying that I am in my "late twenties" now.

I made my first visit to the Weight Wise clinic in Edmonton, which has inevitably changed my life entirely and I will be forever grateful. The clinic was able to give me answers to a lot of health issues that have been plaguing me my entire life. I am still waiting for surgery (Gastric Bypass), but I am getting closer and I have them to thank for putting me on a path to success.

During one of my many trips to Edmonton, we made a side trip to Calgary and spent a weekend with a family friend, Laurel. She took us to Banff National Park and I saw Lake Louise and the beautiful Fairmont hotel. We road the Gondolas, shopped, ate great food and had an amazing time together. We ended the weekend with a trip to meet my new baby cousin Alex, (My cousin Matt and Ivy's son) and Ivy made us the best banana waffles. They rivalled the likes of IHOP (which is my fave breakfast joint). I made memories I will cherish always.

I went on an amazing adventure with two renewed friend

s, Michael and BeeJay. I attended, along with my sister and a few other friends, the travelling show of The Book of Mormon. Though it was extremely offensive (in all the funniest ways possible), I still think it is one of the best shows I have ever seen. That night we also went to do an Escape Room activity, and though we did not escape in time, it was a great experience and I couldn't have imagined a better team to try it with.

This year I also went to 4 concerts. Coleman Hell/DCF, Imagine Dragons, Ed Sheeran and my second time seeing One Direction. Imagine Dragons put on an amazing rock show and is phenomenal live. Ed Sheeran was truly a life altering experience. He does a complete show with just his voice and his guitar. I would jump at the chance to see him again. Both shows were within a couple weeks of each other and made my wait until the best night of my life a lot easier. Coleman Hell & DCF were a pleasant surprise. A cheap night out to The Pyramid in Winnipeg and they are now both two of my favourite artists.

July 25, 2015 will go down in history as one of those nights you still remember 25 years down the road. It may seem a little dramatic for a boy band, but it wasn't just the main event, One Direction, that made the night amazing. I spent it with three of my best friends, Laura, Laura and Kristy, and my big sister, Brianne. We ended up upgrading our not-so-great seats to 8th row from the stage and it was amazing. The crowd was infectious, the music was heart-thumping and my energy was sky high.

The day following the concert, I did something that I have always been terrified of. I got my first tattoo. I was always planning on getting one, but I wanted something meaningful. The arrow is a sign that my friends and I crossed paths at the best time in our lives, the three tails on the end stand for the three of us and the arrow head is a glyph that stands for creativity. It is made even more special by the fact that we designed it together and all came to an agreement two days before what it was actually going to look like.

Another highlight of my year was being asked to be a bridesmaid in my friend Mary's wedding. The dresses are bought, the day is planned and I cannot wait to celebrate her special day with her. I wish her and Paul the best of luck in their future and am looking forward to see what their life brings.

One of the most unusual things that I started this year was my YouTube channel with my friend Laura Wallis. Its called Lipstick & Liquor and is a shining light in my rather dull life. We discuss our favourite things, review the concerts we attend, ramble on about nothing and play games to test our wits. In May, Laura moved away, making YouTube sit on the back burner a little. Though the transition has been difficult, she is only 3 hours away and we have made the best of what it is. I try to visit once and month  and she comes home just as often. We took two months off at the end of the year to really decide what we wanted out of the channel, and I think we have found it. I can't wait to see what opportunities that brings in 2016.

Now that I have written down my favourite things of 2015, I am realizing that my life is filled with a lot more excitement than I give it credit for. In 2016, I want to banish the thoughts that make me think my life isn't full of amazing and show more gratitude towards my little corner of the world. It is these things, events and people that I will remember on the tough days, though they are becoming fewer and farther between. Happy New Year!!

In the comments, tell me your favourite things from 2015!